I really love this photo of me. Honestly, you can't even see the real me and perhaps that's why I like it so much. I think I look pretty sexy, mysterious and way unlike me in this image. So of course I use that as my profile picture in almost everything. I guess I can hide the real me behind this half hidden image of myself and that way no one, not even me can see the real me. I've been told I am pretty, beautiful, gorgeous etc. by various lovers, friends and family yet I still feel ugly on most days and inadequate in terms of my looks. I feel small in the presence of good looking people and shy away from them, for fear of them rejecting me based on my looks.
But in honour of my new journey, I'm going to come clean. I'm going to reveal a full frontal face shot of me as the first part to this exercise.
So, here's the real me!
When I look at this photo, I don't mind it...but I'm not raving about myself either, nor do I think I belong on a magazine cover. So it will do for now, just so you can see the real me...with slight freckles and all.
Anyway, this exercise is about thinking of someone you really love, facing them and telling them how much you love them, how you feel about them and all the wonderful qualities they have that you admire. So, the first person that comes to mind is my MUM.
She isn't around anymore, she died in 2012 from type 2 diabetes which eventually led to a heart attack. Her death is another post all together.
I never appreciated her enough when she was alive and even after her death I missed her but it was only once I became a mother that I really appreciated her and felt in awe of her. She suffered from meningitis as a teenager and spent a year in hospital, her first pregnancy of twins resulted in both being still born, she then went on to have four kids and raised them alongside an abusive alcoholic husband, who only gave up drinking when I was five years old and yet she still managed to smile every single day. Here you can see her lovely smile, even today when people talk about her, they remember her smile and friendliness. So naturally, I was able to easily envisage seeing mum once more and to actually tell her how I felt about her and to imagine how happy she would be to hear me say all these lovely things about her. It made me feel extremely happy to be able to do that and I can't tell you how many nights, I cried and prayed to God for just one hour; half hour; ten minutes, ok five minutes to spend with her again since her death.
Now came the hard part, I had to imagine my twin (in other words me) facing me and repeat the above exercise. Guess what, I couldn't! I tried...it sounded fake; like I didn't believe some of the things I was saying. I repeated what others had told me or complimented me on in the past. Still I didn't feel the same as when I was talking to mum. I guess I have a long way to go...
